


take a heart and take a hand

by nevershootamockingbird



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Panic Attacks, brief reference to avantika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-18 17:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16521371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevershootamockingbird/pseuds/nevershootamockingbird
Summary: Fjord wonders if it’s possible to choke on shame.“Caduceus?” He manages to say, strained but quiet, unwilling to wake the man if he’s truly asleep. His friend opens his eyes instantly, gazing at him with that same calm intensity that unnerved him so when they first met.It unnerves him still, sometimes, but he thinks he needs it now.





	take a heart and take a hand

**Author's Note:**

> Beware of spoilers! This takes place immediately at the end of Ep. 40, so if you're unaware of the happenings then wait until you watch before reading this. 
> 
> Oh, Fjord. Someone please take care of this poor, conflicted boy. He's just trying his best to keep his friends together and whole. 
> 
> There is a brief reference to Avantika and Fjord sleeping together, nothing explicit. Begins with Caduceus's quote, and goes from there. 
> 
> Here's a could-be scenario between Caduceus and Fjord, immediately after.

“Sleep well with your bad decisions,” Caduceus murmurs, dry and not without judgment, and yeah, okay. Fjord knows he deserves that. He lets out a nervous chuckle, pulls the sheets up higher before twisting to face his roommate. The firbolg’s eyes are already shut again, breathing slow and even, but Fjord can't tell if he’s really asleep or not. 

Self-loathing is blooming in the back of his tongue, thick and bitter, and he can feel himself starting to shake, small tremors working through his muscles and nerves. Fjord grits his teeth, shutting his eyes and tightening his grip on the blanket, hoping that he can just will himself to sleep if he tries hard enough.

It’s never worked for him before, but there has to be a first time for everything. 

The tremors don’t stop, though, and soon there are images playing behind his eyelids, dark skin and red hair, a careless smile. He inhales sharply as he opens his eyes, his stomach tightening and roiling; Fjord can still feel her hands on him, heavy and constrictive, and suddenly he can’t breathe, the weight of the blankets, his armor, too much. 

He shoves the sheets down, sitting up and planting his feet on the floor, scrabbling at the buckles of his chestplate. His hands are still shaking, fingers too clumsy to open any of the latches, and his breathing grows shallower. 

Fjord wonders if it’s possible to choke on shame. 

“Caduceus?” He manages to say, strained but quiet, unwilling to wake the man if he’s truly asleep. His friend opens his eyes instantly, gazing at him with that same calm intensity that unnerved him so when they first met. 

It unnerves him still, sometimes, but he thinks he needs it now. 

“You alright, Fjord?” Caduceus asks, slowly swinging his legs off the bed to sit up, and on another night it’d be comical, how he unfolds his long limbs yet still has to sit hunched, his frame too big for the small space they’re in. Tonight, though, it’s just a relief, a familiar sight in unfamiliar territory. Fjord shakes his head in answer, curls his fingers into the rough material of his pants to try and stop the tremors, but the rest of his body just begins to shake instead. Caduceus nods once, sleepy eyes going sharp and focused, asking gently, “What do you need?”

“My, my armor, I can’t-- please?” He tries, a little pathetic, a little desperate, and he doesn’t know if it makes any sense but Caduceus is already standing, taking one step to close the distance between their bunks before he sinks to his knees between Fjord’s legs. It almost puts them at an even height. 

“Stay with me,” his friend murmurs, and Fjord swallows hard, lets out a shuddering sigh. Caduceus’s long fingers handle the latches with ease, and soon his breastplate is off, his shoulder pauldron, his leather undershirt tossed careless near the door where left his boots, until he’s just in his linen tunic and trousers. Caduceus takes one of his hands, then, pulls it forward and presses it against his own bare chest, ducks his head to catch Fjord’s gaze as he tells him, “Breathe with me.” 

For all the gentleness he puts behind the words, it is still a command. Fjord has always done well with those. 

He stares at the point of connection, green against gray and pink, feels the soft fuzz beneath his palm as he struggles to breathe in, breathe out as Caduceus does. The firbolg doesn’t remove his hand from around Fjord’s wrist, and the extra contact helps ground him, steady him as he begins to count slow heartbeats under his friend’s chest. 

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but Caduceus never lets go. 

Finally, finally, he takes a breath and doesn’t immediately lose it, takes a breath and swallows easy and lets it out on his own volition, keeping pace with Caduceus. He huffs out a laugh, feels relief wash over him, and he looks up with half a smile, meeting his friend’s eyes as he says, “Thank you.”

There’s a curious sort of sorrow in Caduceus’s gaze, and the firbolg nods once, squeezes Fjord’s wrist gently but doesn’t let go just yet. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, and Fjord shakes his head, but Caduceus pushes on steadily, “I shouldn’t have said that. It was stupid, but you don’t need my judgement. I’m sorry.”

“No, hey, this wasn’t your fault,” Fjord protests, pressing his hand a little harder against the taller man’s chest. “This-- shit, this would’ve happened no matter what. I don’t-- I didn’t like that. I thought I had to do it, but I would’ve panicked no matter what, after.”

“Why did you, then?” Caduceus asks, but there’s no judgement this time, just a not unfamiliar confusion, and Fjord feels shame threatening to lick back up his throat. He shrugs, swallows it back down and reminds himself to count instead as he gathers his words. 

“I needed to keep you all safe. I didn’t see another way,” he admits quietly, tiredly, his chest feeling a little hollow. He glances away, and Caduceus lets out a soft sound, free hand coming up to gently clasp the back of his neck. The new contact is enough to surprise Fjord into looking back up at his roommate, meet his gaze head on as he says, “Y’all are my friends, my-- hell, as close to family as I got. She needs me, so I’m stuck. But she-- she doesn’t need any of you. I gotta give her a reason to think I trust her, think she’s got the upper hand. I don’t want any of you gettin’ hurt because of me again.” 

“You’re a good man, Fjord,” Caduceus says after a moment of soft silence, and the half-orc swallows hard, feels an itchy sting behind his eyes. He goes easily when Caduceus draws him in, wrapping his other arm around the firbolg’s back, and he squeezes his eyes against the stupid fucking tears that threaten to come out when Caduceus tucks his chin over Fjord’s head. 

He feels small, but it just makes him feel safe. He can’t remember the last time he was held like this, without urgency or intent, no desperation or fear. 

Fjord aches. 

Caduceus lets him draw away after a while longer, when he no longer feels overwhelmed, and the firbolg just smiles gently when Fjord meets his gaze, no judgement or malice, only a soft kind of fondness and trust that Fjord isn’t sure he deserves. He clears his throat, drops his gaze as he haltingly asks, “Would you-- well. You, uh, feel like bunking up together tonight?”

He knows Caduceus will read between the lines, know what he’s asking for, what he fears. He isn’t disappointed when the firbolg snorts, voice amused and a little tired as he says, “Well, as long as you don’t mind a tight squeeze.”

Fjord is startled into laughing, and he shakes his head, scooting back onto the far side of the bed. It takes a few minutes to figure out a sleeping arrangement that will work-- Fjord is sturdy, solid, and Caduceus is large, limbs too long and frame too tall for the beds they were given. Eventually, though, they work it out, Fjord on his side with Caduceus curled behind him, one long arm curving over his waist and stomach, knees tucked up behind his. The arm over his side is their only point of contact, and Fjord relaxes into it, listens to Caduceus’s even breathing above his head and tries to match it again. 

There’s more people he’ll have to explain himself to, in the morning. There is disappointment he will have to face and judgement that he is sure he deserves, and he’s alright with that, he can stomach that, as long as none of them decide to leave him. 

He doesn’t know what he’ll do if it comes to that. 

Now, though, Caduceus is a comforting presence at his back, and Fjord buries his earlier loathing, knows there will be time for that later. He lets his thoughts drift away, his anxiety, his fears, until he’s just barely clinging to consciousness. 

“Hey,” Caduceus whispers, soft enough that it doesn’t startle him from his drowsy state, and Fjord manages to hum in acknowledgement. There’s a soft chuckle above him, gentle pressure against the top of his head, a murmured, “Sleep. You’re safe. We all are.”

Fjord sleeps. He does not dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoyed this. I have a Lot of Feelings about Fjord, and Caduceus, and the current arc in the show. 
> 
> I'm really pleased with how this came out! Even though it really hurt me a lot to write it! Hopefully this is in character, I tried my best. Caduceus's line struck me, and given with what Fjord's motivations seemed to be (trying to secure the safety of his friends, trying to make her think he's agreeing to her goals, etc.), it seemed highly plausible that he would sink into a panic attack after. Or i'm just projecting, who knows. 
> 
> Title is from 'Heal' by Tom Odell, because it was on my daily mix and then it was on repeat until I finished. I am begging y'all to please listen to this song and think about Fjord. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading. You can find me over at [tumblr](https://nevershootamockingbird.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/daleytwin1) if you feel like yelling with me about these lovely characters (or anything else, really).


End file.
